Oh yeah, so on Sunday we went to The Blackberry Festival and this psychic told me to put up or shut up (or put out or shut out, something like that)

Apparently I go through times in my life where I avoid my true self in an effort to become something I am not in order to make other people happy. This is against my better nature, and against the universe, really, because (as Psychic lady told me) I am energy, the universe governs itself by my whims and if my whims are supressed or stifiled, the universe goes all wonky and wonders what the hell its supposed to do now.



So lately I've been hiding out (both, she said, physically and mentally). I've been avoiding decisions and change. I've been playing at passivity. I lack my natural energy. And I have been craving freedom from this life, but unwilling to do anything about it.



Basically, I suck.



"You are energy. When you want something, you make it happen. And because you want it, and you want to make it happen, the universe makes it happen. The universe bends to your will because your will is so strong. You are the decision maker, the actor, the person who gets things done. You are what you want. But lately you don't know what you want. You have taken a step back and gotten comfortable, but you don't even know if that's what you want. You are at a loss of the next steps... and so the universe is lost around you and everything is out of balance."



She said I have to make a list and I got sad.



I was sad because I remember my list (everyone has to remember my list) and my list was



1. I want to live in San Diego

2. I want a job that I love.

3. I want to get out of debt.



And none of that went as planned. Because I LIVED in San Diego... for three months. And NOW I have a job that I love. And I am getting out of debt by DECLARING BANKRUPTCY.



"So instead," she says "you have avoided making decisions and visualizing and making things happen because you do not want to be dissapointed. You were dissapointed in the past by what you got back from the universe. You're trying to hedge your bets."



I am always trying to hedge my bets. Not "curse" it.



"But what you don't understand is that the universe is right there with you and you will get everything you want. You just have to know what you want."



She lectured me for a while longer about how I have this "thing" I've created and put my heart and soul into but I'm "sitting on it" and I need to get rid of it and put it out there and that's when my life will get right back on track.



My mom starts yelling at me "you have to finish your novel! You have to finish it NOW!"



Yeah... we all do.